Relationship Theory

What motivates you?

Relationship Theory

Consider this – your theory about relationships might be wrong!

No seriously, have you ever stopped to think logically about it. Forget about the TV and the movies where the sun sets on a romantic ever after love scene. Let’s talk honestly about relationships and what they really mean!

A relationship is based on two things.

  • You and;
  • Somebody else (which could include a company, organisation, team etc.)

When you walk into a shop, for the most part the reason you go to the shop is to buy something, right? Well when you go in and you have a set purpose, you normally walk out with the thing you wanted to buy. Unless of course the reason you went into the shop was that you were browsing – that you wanted to spend some time looking at things for inspiration, maybe to window shop. When your intention is only to look and you get caught up with the emotion of a sale, or the idea of buying something new, which feeds into another emotion hidden deep inside, then you will most likely spend that cash and walk out with something you might not have needed in the first place.

A relationship is created between two people so that both of them can satisfy their own needs. It’s a give and take from both sides. Relationships that last are relationships that have a clear understanding, of what both parties are seeking, and willing to give to the other.

Remember I said your theory about relationships might be wrong.

Have a look at one of your past relationships, just for a moment. And consider – did your needs get met in that relationship? Or did you meet the needs of your partner in that relationship?

Almost everyone will say yes – I had MOST of my needs met, or yes – I met MOST of my partners needs. So then where did it go wrong? Were you in the same stage as them? Did someone “cheat” on someone else?

If you were in that position in any way, then is your theory about relationships stable and balanced? Is it formed on logical and rational thought or do you tend to be emotional and follow your heart?

Every time you go into the coffee shop, you are normally looking to buy a cup of coffee, or tea, or something similar. You have a need for something and you want to have it fulfilled. But what if you went into the coffee shop hoping to find the one person who could become your partner for life. Sure – there might be times when you go to the coffee shop to socialise or hangout with the workers or other customers. But did you ever consider that you do not go to a coffee shop to get your haircut? You do not go there to get clothes (unless of course you are somewhere in the USA where they have coffee shop outlet inside some of the major clothing stores …).

The point is that you have a need which you aim to have fulfilled in the coffee shop. And when that need can not be fulfilled in that coffee shop you move on. You go in search for fulfilment somewhere else.

But Hollywood, the TV companies and even some of the writers and novels we read have this tendency to paint the prefect picture for us. They rely on our emotional nature. And this – this is where your theory is wrong!

We live in a fast paced society where things are bought and discarded before you even wink your eyes. Gone are the days where we look for someone or some way to fix something. If it is broke, normally we will look to replace it or throw it away. Instead of doing our best to make full use and get the best out of what we bought – we are willing to throw away the money invested in the item to find something new, something different. And this is what happens with relationships.

Instead of looking to ourselves, finding where we went wrong with things, searching for ways to mend and fix the issues, we give up and either call a halt to the relationship or head straight to the courts for that quick divorce. Why – because fixing something is too hard. Finding a solution means we have to spend more time making something work again. The lure of the brand new thing is just too easy for us to dig deep down and use the skills we have to repair and fix it!

And that is the theory we SERIOUSLY need to consider.

Use your common sense when you start looking for a relationship.

  • Are you ready to start something?
  • Are you looking for a fling, or steady thing or the union for life to make your dreams come true.

And when you find the possible “RIGHT” person, don’t forget to look at all the aspects.

  • Can you give them what they want.
  • Can they give you what you want.
  • Are there chinks in their armour which could end up breaking all the time and effort you spend establishing the relationship, when the wind changes direction?
  • Are you entering into a relationship that will need to be fixed, mended and glued together, or are you entering into something that has the best possible chance of working long term, where both of you can and are willing to work at creating a lasting, loving and respectful relationship for both of you?

So what is your theory about relationships? Is it based on common sense?

  • I want a partner to spend the rest of my life with – CHECK.
  • I want someone who I can care for and love – CHECK.
  • I want someone who is looking to have a family with kids in the future – no check!
  • I want to be with … hang-on : a no check ???

This is where common sense is left behind and we venture into something that will not fulfil our own needs. We want something from that partner but they don’t want to have the same thing. How important is that need? Are we willing to compromise on it, or is it a must?

Never think that you have the skills and the ability to change someone else? Yes – it is possible and people do change, but do you want to be on the receiving end of an argument where your partner throws the words back at you “I changed for you and look what it got me …?”

Relationships should be based on a needs model – something where both parties knows what the other person wants, and decides that they can fulfil those needs to make the relationship stronger. Ultimately there is a need for both parties to get something out of the relationship. If there are multiple needs (which is nearly always the case) then surely you should go through the checklist and make sure that those needs will be met, and that it will be met both ways? If you cant give your partner something they want – will they go outside of the relationship to find it somewhere else, and will that become a deal breaker ?

We have the ability to forgive, to compromise, to share, to understand. We have many abilities that we can use in our relationships. But maybe we should be filtering the potential relationships into a selection of only those who would meet all of our important needs, and those who we can fulfil all of their important needs. And then we might be able to fall in love with the right person, instead of falling in love with a vampire in disguise!

Theory? Or reality?